It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The shortest distance between point A and point B is under construction.

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

What's the speed of dark?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be taken out of context, misquoted and then used against you.