A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your #&%?

Daddy, why wont my magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm not a complete idiot… some parts are missing!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.